Joel
A DID story

Introduction

Hello reader, thank you for your interest in me. I am Joel, and this is the story of how I came to be.

For most of my life, I didn’t exist as a whole. There were just parts of me, separate personalities/identities dealing with different parts of my life. This is called DID or dissociative identity disorder, previously known as multiple personality disorder, and it is caused by severe childhood trauma. For 50 years I was fragmented like that, until the separate personalities were finally ready to fuse into a single whole.

My number of alternate personalities/identities (alters) has not been high: there were never more than five of them. This system of alters was covert for a long time. Nobody knew about its existence, not even Reinoud, the main alter (host) who managed much of my daily life.

This overview of my DID is pieced together from admittedly spotty memory of my past. Having fragmented or limited memories of your past, especially your childhood, is common with DID. It is easier to live with (childhood) trauma that way, and alters may not share (or even keep) memories. However, I do tend to have very detailed memories of moments that were emotionally important to me, which helps.

Part I below describes the childhood traumas which destroyed my ability to form an integrated personality as a child. It details hospital trauma, emotional abuse, covert incest, and the development of alters. You may wish to skip this part if you find such matters hard to deal with, and go directly to part II.

Part II tells about the hidden existence and later discovery of my alters, and their process of healing. Heed the warnings at the beginning, but this part should generally not be hard to digest, unless you are unaware or in denial of having a dissociative disorder with alters yourself. In that case, you may sense some danger while reading it, or quickly forget what you have read (both of which are quite normal) - and then I wish you strength on the road to discovery/healing.

Note that ‘dissociation’ in this context means (partially) disconnecting from memories, thoughts, feelings/emotions, senses, or sense of identity. It is a protective strategy for coping with trauma. DID is the most severe form of dissociation, leading to multiple entirely separate personalities/identities.

This account is intentionally limited to just my DID-related experiences, so it focuses on trauma, dissociation and healing, not on other aspects of my life. It is largely, but not entirely, chronologically written.

Part I: Destruction

Warning: this part contains detailed descriptions of hospital trauma, an experience similar to drowning, pet death, emotional abuse, covert (emotional) incest, social pressure, and the resulting dissociation and alter development.

Part I describes my traumatic childhood and is named ‘destruction’ for a reason.

My family as it was back then seemed like a normal, happy, well-to-do Dutch family from the outside, and I was convinced that was the whole truth for a long time. I thought I was privileged for growing up in such a good family. Also, I wasn’t aware of any childhood trauma for a very long time, and dismissed any less than happy memories as insignificant. From an outside perspective, without accompanying emotions, those memories just didn’t seem important.

All that was before I became aware that many factual memories actually had strong emotions attached to them, which had been kept hidden from me (by means of dissociation). Now I understand - and can tell about - what really happened to me back then, as a child. The following story is told from the inside, rather than the outside.

Beginning

My earliest memory is of being locked in my bedroom by my mother. I was 3 years old at the time. She was angry and said it was going to be for a full hour. I remember being filled with anger at first, followed by loneliness and despair. I remember my toddler bed there, it had white painted wooden bed rails. I remember sitting against the cold wall beside my bed, looking at the blue marbled (linoleum) floor, not understanding what I had done to deserve this.

Later, when I was still at age 3, we moved to another city, into a newly built house with a garden. My parents were becoming fairly wealthy. They got me great toys there, like a nice red pedal go-kart, and I got a lot of freedom moving around without any oversight. I enjoyed that.

I was a curious little boy, taught myself to read early on, and started reading books for adults early in primary school. Of course I didn’t understand all of it but my parents didn’t mind me reading anything from their well-stocked bookshelves. They were very hands-off when it came to parenting.

It didn’t take long before I started reading in the 21-volume encyclopedia my parents had, for hours at a time (this was before the internet). I thought it was fun. The row of National Geographic Magazines next to the encyclopedia was also irresistible. The stories in the magazines were of course very tempting because of all the fascinating pictures, but they happened to be in English so I couldn’t read them. I then took it upon myself to learn English using the limited English-Dutch dictionary we had, and beyond that inferring the meaning of words that were not in the dictionary from their context in the magazine articles. After a while I could read entire articles without needing the dictionary anymore. I also started reading other magazines and books in English, of which my father had plenty.

My parents didn’t see any problem with this. However, I couldn’t help but notice that other people were not as relaxed about it. My primary school teachers acted amused, surprised, or even shocked by my knowledge, and classmates would start to ridicule me - and worse. I was nicknamed “Professor” by them.

The most important early memory related to this is of an aunt, though. She was an enthusiastic person with a very expressive face. My mother had asked me to show her a book I had read. I remember her bending down to me (I must have been around 5 years old) with a face full of anticipation as I showed her the book (a novel) I had read shortly before. Her expression immediately changed to utter disgust as she turned away to loudly express her disapproval to my parents, of me reading such an inappropriate book for my age. She was clearly upset, which upset me.

…

This was not without consequences. The social pressure I felt induced a separation into a ‘normal’ and an intellectual part. Reinoud, the ‘normal’ part whose task was to face the world most of the time, became a less intellectual boy, so he would fit in better. He would not be aware of any above average intelligence (and actively deny any such thing).

Reinoud was unaware of the developing intellectual part (alter). Later, this alter turned out to be an emotionally uncomplicated, friendly, genderless, intelligent ‘thinker’. It never named itself but after discovery it was affectionally called ‘Hiqje’, which stands for little HIQ (High-IQ) in Dutch.

The split into a ‘normal’ and an intellectual part would haunt me, because (among other things) it significantly reduced my career options later on. Hiqje would help Reinoud by solving academic and professional problems for him, and presenting the worked out solutions as intuitive ideas to Reinoud - seemingly coming out of nowhere. This arrangement made a scientific career practically impossible with Reinoud as the host, never mind any potential there might have been, because Reinoud had no access to the reasoning behind many of his insights.

The differentiation between Reinoud and Hiqje provides an early indication of my DID. The social pressure which caused this particular split doesn’t seem to be the root cause of my DID though - that must have been my mother…

Hospital

I turned out to be a bit of a sickly boy. It was nothing serious really, I just felt somewhat sick now and then. The family doctor decided after blood tests that I probably suffered from anemia and prescribed iron tablets, which didn’t help much (if at all). My mother was determined to fix me though, so she took me to medical specialists. They couldn’t find anything wrong, so more lab tests had to be done of course, and I was taken to the hospital to have blood drawn several times. They would draw more blood each time, using large tubes, up to about 10 in one session. The last few times they did it I felt faint and dizzy in the car on the way back home. I wasn’t afraid of needles or blood but I was just an anemic and skinny little boy they drew all that blood from; it seemed like a bit much to me. My mother laughed it off.

Medical doctors, unable to find anything actually wrong with me even after all those blood tests, decided it would be a reasonable next step to try removing my tonsils - no doubt influenced by my mothers insistence that I needed to be fixed somehow. A tonsillectomy was a common, if often useless, procedure back then. Anyway, to the hospital it was, for just some minor surgery. I must have been 5 or 6 years old at that time.

First surgery

I hated being in the hospital, with obnoxious (likely stressed) other children around me, and having to spend the night there away from home. I wasn’t allowed to eat the morning before surgery, but I did get an injection to prepare me in some way. Anyhow, time came to be anesthetized, whatever that meant. I didn’t really understand, just that I was going to be made to sleep or ‘go away’ somehow. I didn’t think ahead much but simply dreaded what was coming.

I was brought to a room with white tables and equipment. My mother was there. I had to sit. A plastic mask with a strange smell was put over my face by a nurse. I was told to breathe the gas so I would be gone within a few moments, the nurse promised. I got scared at that point. What gas? What was going to happen to me? What did they really mean by going away? I got overwhelmed with fear and refused to breathe. The nurse and my mother became annoyed, I just had to breathe the gas. I couldn’t do it, my body simply refused. They decided to keep the mask on and wait for me to breathe. I couldn’t, but I started to run out of breath. In the mean time, my mother was talking indifferently to the nurse who held the mask on my face. I started to panic. I tried to get the mask off my face. The nurse forced it on. I full on panicked. My mother didn’t do anything to help me. I know I flailed my arms around, trying to get them to do something, to help me. They didn’t. My mind was racing. I needed to get out of this situation. I felt I was going to die. My awareness of my surroundings was dwindling, it was all about getting air and getting rid of the mask. I was fighting to get out of the nurse’s hold but I was powerless. In the mean time, it was as if my mind was bouncing against invisible walls around me, trying to find a solution, within seconds, as my time was running out and I knew it.

There was no solution. My time was up, I had failed. I withdrew from what was happening to me, from an unbearable reality. Then my body did breathe in, there was nothing else it could do; it was a primal need, a final attempt at survival. It wasn’t me who breathed the gas, it couldn’t be. I went away.

…

This was a significant event in the development of my DID, not just because it was obviously traumatic, but also because of the distressing betrayal by my mother. It is very telling that my memory of this later turned out to be split up between alters.

Reinoud, the alter dealing with everyday life and who had to be around my mother, remembered mostly the bare facts of what had occurred, without emotions. Of course I was dependent on my mother at that age, so Reinoud not being aware of the betrayal allowed me to carry on with life.

Another alter though, Julia, who completely avoided my mother, turned out to remember things quite differently. She felt totally betrayed by my mother, and always saw death in her face when thinking of her. Julia’s memory wasn’t concerned much with the facts of the events in the hospital beyond the betrayal.

Reinoud and Julia seem to have grown apart since this event. It is the earliest point in time where their memories differ as far as I can tell. Interestingly, Reinoud has always had ADHD-I symptoms which Julia lacked. Julia would often have a quiet and peaceful mind, but Reinoud’s mind was always racing, obsessively trying to understand the world and people around him, thereby making him inattentive. It felt to Reinoud as if he almost couldn’t breathe until he had solved problems like that in his mind, and there was always another problem to be tackled next. He had no idea of the connection with his predicament during the traumatic event: the need to come up with a solution to be able to breathe and escape from his (perceived) imminent death.

In the mean time, Hiqje (the ‘thinker’) would try to supply helpful insights to Reinoud whenever possible. Over time Reinoud learned to relax a little and not always be trying to understand everything as quickly as possible. He would sometimes simply let a hard to solve problem rest for a while, trusting that some ‘intuitive’ (but really Hiqje’s) insight would present itself soon enough. Julia seems to have had an alter somewhat similar to Hiqje associated with her, watching over her, but we don’t know much about that one.

Reinoud, even though he was the host alter, would remain unaware of the existence of the other alters for a long time. As is often the case with DID, Reinoud appeared to have no sense of time and would often be startled by how much time had passed (when another alter had actually been in control). Clocks frightened him, not just because they often seemed to jump to a much later time, but also because it invariably felt as if they were counting seconds towards his death…

Note that what is written from here on will be mostly about alters, because it is obviously not about someone resembling a single personality/identity anymore. Technically, the writing perspective will switch between first person (sometimes ‘I’, the author, but mostly the viewpoint of ‘us’: the system of alters as a whole, occupying a single body) and a writing perspective resembling third person ‘omniscient’ (when writing about experiences of specific alters). Combining perspectives in that way may be a little confusing at first, but it seems to be a straightforward way to deal with the unusual overlapping concepts of us (the whole) and parts of us (alters). Focus will initially be on Reinoud, the identity associated with most memories of the following period.

…

Reinoud woke up after surgery and had an incredibly sore throat. His mind wasn’t on what had happened before, which seemed far away now.

But it wasn’t all that far away, really. From then on, Reinoud was unreasonably afraid of the very idea of death and would anxiously avoid anything that might remind him of it. He couldn’t sleep well and had terrible nightmares all the time. And, maybe worst of all, the surgery hadn’t changed a thing (as could have been expected). He still felt sick now and then. So back to the doctors it was, and they suggested another surgery, no doubt prompted by our mother (who was a very persuasive person); this time to remove any last remainders of our tonsils that might still be there. (To this day it remains a mystery to me why anyone thought this was a good idea, as nothing had changed for the better since the first surgery, which had been a shot in the dark anyway). Our mother, of course, was all for it and insisted on getting it done.

Reinoud absolutely refused another surgery but could not adequately explain why. Our mother questioned Reinoud about this and it became clear that the problem wasn’t the hospital stay or the pain, but that he refused to be anesthetized with a cap over his face again. She thought that was nonsense but Reinoud simply wouldn’t budge.

The doctors in the hospital were able to offer a way out of this situation. It was quite out of the ordinary for them, but Reinoud was granted the privilege of being anesthetized solely by injection this time. Reinoud hesitantly agreed to that.

Second surgery

The next time in hospital for surgery, Reinoud was tense but not afraid. He could deal with the upcoming pain in his throat and was promised ice cream afterwards.

When he was being wheeled on a hospital bed towards surgery, the nurse praised him for being such a brave boy and not even crying one little bit. Reinoud, in an operation gown on the large bed, felt actually brave and proud. He could handle this, even without his mother, who wasn’t with him this time around.

Then he was wheeled through large doors into a room full of people. There were about 20 of them, in intimidating looking protective clothing with surgical masks, all looking at him. Reinoud was shocked, the people in the room were completely unexpected, and he started to cry. The nurse made a disappointed comment on him crying after all. The masked people gathered around the bed in a wide semicircle and someone asked if it was OK to start with the injection. Reinoud was unable to answer. He was frozen. He would ‘go away’ again, this time with all the scary unknown masked people around him, looking at him. He felt totally unsafe and helpless. The needle was then put in his arm without his consent.

…

The masked people were probably medical students, and Reinoud must have been a nice opportunity for them to observe an unusual procedure. Reinoud wasn’t warned of their presence though, and I cannot help but wonder why anyone thought this was a good idea. The very reason for the unusual procedure was that Reinoud was a child who was already traumatized by another anesthetic procedure.

Reinoud’s trust in people was shattered by this event. He has had an easily triggered emotional part since that moment, filled with distrust and anger against anything from the medical world (and anything that might have similar power over him). Also, when lying in his bed, in his own room, he often felt as if being watched by people and was afraid to even move, trying to remain unseen. He would not feel safe in his own bed anymore, but had no idea where this feeling came from.

…

When Reinoud woke up again, he felt ravaged and in pain, and his mother wasn’t there. He was alone, but alright. Sort of. He actually got his promised ice cream later.

It turned out that the second surgery, just like the first, didn’t improve Reinoud’s health in any way.

Mimi

A while later something fantastic happened: the family actually got two kittens. We (Reinoud/Julia) and one of the kittens, Mimi, started bonding right away, on the drive home from picking them up. That bond grew and deepened, as Mimi was often found in our room, to sleep, be petted, or play wild games there. Mimi showed intense affection to us, which was incredibly important, because our parents never did anything like that.

(Note that Reinoud and Julia were not aware of themselves or each other being developing separate parts of me).

Many wonderful memories were made with Mimi. She was surprisingly wild. Too wild maybe; it is as if she burned up way too quickly. After only a few years with us she went missing, to be found hidden between bushes in the garden, completely apathetic. She had gone there to die, the vet explained, because she suffered from a large inflammation around her heart. It was incurable and she would have to be put down immediately, to end her suffering.

We (Reinoud/Julia) understood but could not let that happen right away, we just weren’t ready for that. We loved her so much. So we begged until we were allowed to take her home. The vet warned she was very ill and would not last more than a few days, and would not be aware of us or respond much. He only grudgingly agreed to us taking her home.

The next two weeks we spent all our available time with Mimi. It was a miracle she lasted that long according to the vet. Mimi was obviously very ill but did amazingly well with our attention and affection. She would lie on our bed with us for hours and enjoy it so much she would even purr at times. In those moments she seemed very tired but happy.

When she inevitably deteriorated the vet came by to put her down at our home. We made her comfortable in the living room. Mimi was to be put down by injection. The vet gave her a first injection, which was just to make her sleep, he explained; a second (lethal) one would be necessary. Our parents and the vet went to sit elsewhere but we stayed with Mimi. Not long after that, we warned that she had difficulty breathing. The vet was surprised and said Mimi was already dying from the first injection, which was quite unusual and unexpected. It meant she had been a lot weaker than she appeared. Mimi had apparently stayed alive on sheer willpower those two weeks.

The vet warned Mimi’s death would be unpleasant to watch so we should leave her alone. We wouldn’t even consider doing that though. The vet insisted, and our parents tried to convince us, but we stubbornly refused. The others went to sit elsewhere anyway and called several times for us to join them, but we would not leave Mimi to die alone. We stayed with her for what seemed like an eternity, until hours after her last breath. We felt empty. The only one we really loved and had given love to us was gone.

…

It is clear that Julia’s side became deeply attached to Mimi, in no small part because of the way Mimi showed affection. Mimi would not just rub her face and lips against us, but also gently lick and bite us, with her eyes closed. It is interesting how lip sensitivity and the sensual experience of kissing would later turn out to reside at Julia’s side; Reinoud’s side simply lacked these things.

Reinoud’s side preferred to play wild games with Mimi, sometimes up to the point where his arms would be covered in scratches from her claws. The contrast between the affectionate Mimi and the wild Mimi was striking, and she would often instantly switch between those extremes, at seemingly random moments. Mimi may actually have sensed switching between Reinoud and Julia; to us it generally felt as if both Mimi and us changed at the same time and then continued in a different mode, which was fun.

Parents

Our parents fought a lot. It was scary, and unsettling. We had no idea why they were together as there seemed to be no love between them. To the outside world they appeared quite successful though. They were good at projecting that image.

Our father was a physicist, and worked his way up to an executive position in a large research institute. He was an emotionally unavailable father. He was a selfish person, and essentially uninterested in his children. He was superficially friendly though, which was nice.

One day we asked him if he loved our mother. He just laughed.

Mother

Our mother allowed us to play, roam the neighborhood and nearby farmland (with lots of ditches) and do almost everything we wanted - without supervision. She provided for our physical needs well enough. She would drive us around for all kinds of things, like shopping, events or swimming lessons for example. She bought us nice things and lots of the snacks we liked. To all appearances she took good care of us.

However, our mother lacked warmth and was apparently unable to show genuine love or affection. When she tried it her words, tone of voice, and attempts at physical affection were unmistakably fake. She was clearly just acting. Reinoud simply refused to accept affection from her and Julia avoided her entirely.

Physically our mother cared for us well enough but emotionally she only seemed to care for herself. Everything was always about her. She would always discount the experiences and achievements of others (including us) to try to make herself look better. On the other hand, when there were visitors she used to boast about our little achievements (like something we crafted) and want to show it off, embarrassing us and making us feel like an exhibition piece. We pleaded with her to stop doing that.

Maybe she was like this because she had not achieved anything remarkable herself in her life. She was educated as a PE teacher but ended up instructing elderly people in physical activity classes, for just a few hours a week. She often talked about how great an instructor she was, much better than all the others - according to her. (She took us with her sometimes, it was just elderly people sitting on chairs and doing things like throwing soft balls at each other). She wouldn’t stop gloating about how fit she was, how much she exercised, how much she had walked or bicycled that week, things like that. She always had to one-up others, including us, over any such achievement. What we did was never good enough according to her.

Our mother didn’t stop there. She would criticize our appearance, saying our body proportions weren’t right, or that we looked like a girl (we were a skinny little boy with curly blonde hair, and called cute by older girls in the neighborhood). She would ridicule our tendency to make a fist with our thumb inside our fingers, insisting that was a girly thing to do. She would gladly talk to anyone about how she thought we were incredibly ugly as a newborn baby, and how shocked the staff in the delivery room was by her loud opinion about that, which she considered funny. She would shame our lack of height, our lack of muscles, and our slow physical development in general. We started growing unusually late in our teens (which might well be because of all the stress she caused us - also likely the reason for us being a sickly child to begin with).

Our body was somehow never satisfactory to her, and one day when she found that our posture wasn’t perfect, it was of course to be fixed by a physical therapist. The physical therapy dragged on for weeks, was extremely uncomfortable and painful, and seemed quite unnecessary so we didn’t want to continue it. Our mother then not just tried to shame us into compliance by saying we were built like a girl the way we were, but when that approach didn’t work she also tried to scare us by saying that otherwise part of our leg would need to be sawed off. She did this casually on the drive home from therapy. She knew very well how scared we were of more surgery, and at the time we were not old enough to understand that her threat was nothing but nonsense.

Covert incest

Our mother would not allow us privacy. She would often sneak up the creaky wooden stairs (which took effort to do silently) and then bolt through the door of our bedroom, startling us. We asked her several times to not sneak up on us like that and knock on the door first but she refused to do that, offended that we thought what she did was inappropriate or even on purpose. She clearly considered it her right to act the way she did.

Later, when we lived on our own, and especially when we had a girlfriend, she would use our keys to randomly enter our place. She would often do that for frivolous reasons, and without ringing the doorbell first to see if anybody might be home. We had stated explicitly that our keys were to be used only when absolutely necessary and we were not at home. When her behavior got out of hand (our girlfriend at the time was appalled and considered it unacceptable) we took our keys away from her, after many warnings. She was deeply offended and pretended to have no idea why we did that, never mind the many times we had clearly explained it. She kept pestering us about the keys for a long time, making up all kinds of petty reasons why she would need them.

When we were younger and still growing up our mother would see no problem in observing us while we undressed in our own bedroom, even though it became rather awkward at some point. She was interested in our private parts somehow, and would comment on (lack of) hair growth there. She made an excited comment when she noticed some hair had started growing for the first time. It was extremely embarrassing. She would also dress inappropriately around us and present herself in ways not suitable to describe here. She ignored our requests to refrain from doing so.

The way our mother acted was not because she was a liberated person. She was not. She would often act emphatically or even weirdly prudish around other people, and was clearly frustrated. Love and sexuality were dirty things in her mind; she couldn’t help but express disgust about anything to do with sexuality and discredited other people’s expressions of love.

Our mother would frequently come to us to complain about her relationship with our father. No subject was off limits apparently, never mind how awkward it was or how damaging it might be to us. She would disclose totally inappropriate details of her relationship. She would show emotional distress and weakness we could not possibly deal with at that age. She would cry and try to lean on us for support and validation. However, she would never listen to us when we tried to think along and help her.

Our mother just wouldn’t stop talking badly about our father, who actually seemed to be a more decent person than she was. She kept trying to obtain support against him, always playing the victim. One day she disclosed she had discovered his porn stash, and told us in detail how disgusting she thought it was, and where and how she suspected he used it. She also claimed she was being raped all the time by him, and said she felt being used like a whore. We suggested it might be better to separate then but that option was casually dismissed, suddenly it wasn’t all that important anymore. Somehow life would always go on as if nothing had happened after she had let it all out. Life would go on for her, that is; she never seemed to be bothered in any way by the impact it might have on us.

As a child we often played with other children, which was usually fine - unless we made friends with a girl. Then, suddenly, our mother would become overly critical of the friendship, or suggest there might be more to it than meets the eye, insinuating there might be some sort of romantic interest. She would then try to shame or ridicule us for it, never mind we hadn’t even hit puberty yet and just considered them friends anyway. For example, when we made friends with a slightly older girl from the next block and she would come over to play in our kiddie pool wearing a bikini (mind you, she wasn’t developed), our mother wouldn’t stop talking about how she didn’t like her. When that wouldn’t stop our (simple, playful and innocent) summer friendship our mother started talking about how dirty she thought that girl was, because she had a bit of eczema between her toes. She also would go on about how she disliked her family, but the reasons for that were unclear (later it became clear she couldn’t stand the mother sunbathing topless in her own back garden). When none of that worked she simply said the girl wasn’t welcome anymore to play with us at our place. That final approach had the desired effect and the friendship fizzled out.

Funny thing is, when we were a bit older our mother would try to humiliate us for not having a girlfriend or having sex at a young age.

Hiding

Reinoud was the part dealing with much of daily life, our mother, and school. He wasn’t bothered much by the emotions of other people and could generally suppress his own. He didn’t appear particularly intelligent at primary school; he was inattentive and was almost held back a grade for failing at math.

Hiqje, the intellectual part, would come more to the front (i.e. be in control) when safely at home and ignored by our parents. Hiqje would then read, learn, pursue a hobby, or just think.

Julia was a way more emotional part, hungering for security, love and affection. She also longed for her body to be accepted and not be considered wrong or ugly. Julia hated our mother. She would come more to the front when safely alone in our bedroom with our cat Mimi. Julia also liked to play with girl friends at their home, often doing things like playing games at the table or on the floor in the living room. These friendships were safely out of view of our mother, and Julia cherished the warmth and attention from both fathers and mothers in the other families. Julia wished she had a family like that herself. She didn’t want to be at home.

It didn’t escape the boys we played with in the neighborhood that we would often prefer to go play with girls at their place. They would tease us with it when we grew older. Reinoud would simply shrug it off.

Pressure on Julia mounted and it finally came to a head during a game at school. We were in a circle of classmates and had to choose one of them to kiss (who would then be next to go in the circle). They were all looking at us, much like the masked people gathered around us in the hospital just before the second surgery. It was disconcerting, and we knew we were about to be judged mercilessly for our choice. We started to panic and knew we really had to act in a way that was expected of us as a proper boy. Julia decided in that moment to go into hiding. Reinoud made a safe choice from the circle for a kiss, and felt numb and disconnected afterwards. Julia, now firmly in the background, was actually happy and felt she had found a safe place. We were 11 (almost 12) years old at the time.

…

As far as we know this was the final step in the development of Julia towards a completely separate alter. From here on she would remain stuck at the same age, and stay in the background for a long time, leaving Reinoud in front to live his life.

Julia took several things away with her, such as ‘the kiss’ (lip sensitivity/sensuality), touch sensations on several parts of the body (such as the ability to perceive someone touching our back as soothing), the emotion of fear, and various traits that could be considered feminine. Reinoud did not have access to those anymore, other than through occasional ‘passive influence’ from Julia in the background. Julia also took various skills with her, such as the ability to quickly peel potatoes or fold clothes neatly. The latter was funny, because it irritated our mother no end that Reinoud couldn’t and wouldn’t fold his clothes properly.

Note that so-called ‘dissociative amnesia’ between the developing parts apparently remained limited in the early stages. The term ‘parts’ is used here on purpose, to distinguish from completely developed alters. Full amnesia between alters, i.e. not having access to each others memories, developed later on in the process.

Part II: Construction

Warning: this part describes a (child) sexual abuse situation and resulting trauma (in ‘More trauma’), and borderline experiences (in ‘Final fusion’). Note that although various traumatic events are mentioned in this part, it is without specifics and in the context of healing.

This part talks about my alters, their discovery, and their process of healing. It ends with the challenging but successful construction (through fusion) of my full personality and final identity: Joel.

If you suffer from DID or similar and fear discovery or integration/fusion of alters then this part may not be easy for you to read.

Invisible

At age 14 Reinoud resolutely became emotionally independent and would not accept authority of his parents anymore (or anyone else really). He attended secondary school and received very good grades there - but only for subjects he was actually interested in. He suffered from ADHD-I symptoms, caused in no small part by trauma from his first surgery. He also had many autistic traits, later recognized as being caused by actively avoiding or even dissociating from his emotions/feelings and empathy. When his distrust was triggered, he would sometimes not just become emotionless, but even go mute. These things were useful for dealing with his reality at home - especially his mother.

Meanwhile, Hiqje (intellectual alter) would help out with academic problems at school and Julia (emotional alter) stayed safely in the background.

University

In university, Reinoud was surprised when he received top grades for several of the hardest courses. He hadn’t expected that, because he knew he didn’t understand things the way other (and in his mind smarter) people did. Reinoud was unaware that Hiqje was doing much of the hard work.

When Reinoud figured he didn’t need to work very hard to get good grades, and attending classes was mostly useless if only because of his ADHD, it turned out he (and Hiqje) actually had a lot of time for interesting projects, either for fun or money. We also became way more social than we had ever been in our school days, and made a lot of friends. Reinoud’s emotionally protective ‘autism’ slowly started to fade.

Hiqje, although basically not a shy alter, wouldn’t usually show itself to others. However, we made some very good intellectual friends in university and Hiqje absolutely had a good time with them, being in front or somewhat co-conscious (i.e. present at the same time) with Reinoud. Reinoud noticed many times that his friends seemed to remember interactions which he didn’t… So Hiqje’s existence wasn’t entirely hidden to Reinoud. Hiqje might be present during intellectual activities such as studying, but Reinoud was not aware of this or why he would often seem to promptly lose access to the reasoning behind his (well, Hiqje’s) ideas and insights. He was completely unaware of the actual nature of Hiqje.

Reinoud (maybe influenced by Julia) suppressed memories of it for a long time, but especially during our university days we were fairly often approached (not very subtly) by attractive young women in social situations. Reinoud would reject them, not just out of ‘autistic’ shyness, but also because of perceiving an elusive sense of danger. This perception came from Julia (through so-called passive influence), who was acutely aware of the danger of apparently needy or selfishly acting women who were in any way similar to our mother. Reinoud, puzzled by the discrepancy between the outward attractiveness of these women and his lack of actual attraction to them, did some serious soul-searching to figure out what would make someone actually attractive to him. His conclusion (obviously shared by Julia): she should make a good mother.

Julia would remain in the background all this time.

Relationship

After university Reinoud entered a long-term relationship with someone who - unlike others - had approached him subtly, was a very independent person, did not claim him the way his mother had, and appeared to have the kind of intuition a mother should have. They would have two wonderful children.

Reinoud had landed a very nice research engineering job at the university. He enjoyed doing microelectronics design work there and finding new research directions for the group. He avoided actual scientific work and publications though, knowing that his talent lied in his intuition and not in explicit knowledge or reasoning abilities. He was still unaware that Hiqje generally took care of that and presented its insights as intuitive ideas to him.

Over the years Reinoud’s mental health started to decline. His (trauma-induced) ADHD symptoms worsened to the point where he could hardly concentrate on anything except particular (but actually unimportant) problems he felt he had to solve as soon as possible. His hyperactivity and lack of sleep (he had trouble sleeping ever since the first hospital trauma) led to chronic fatigue and exhaustion. Reinoud experienced continuous stress and knew something had to happen as this was unsustainable.

There also was another mysterious cause of mounting stress. Reinoud would feel an incomprehensible need to be touched, which paradoxically could not be fulfilled by any actual touching, leading to rising frustration over time. He had no way to deal with this frustration, which became so bad he would start shaking at times. It felt as if he just had to be touched - without actually being touched? It didn’t make any sense to him at the time. Then, during a particularly bad bout of frustration, and anxiety about it, suddenly a female voice in his head said calmly and clearly: “Everything will be all right”. Reinoud experienced a caring presence at that moment, and felt the message was genuine.

One might expect such a strange event to upset Reinoud, but it did quite the opposite: he felt much more at ease afterwards and was able to handle those strange feelings of frustration for years to come. He considered what had happened as some sort of vision and trusted the problem would indeed be resolved sometime in the future. He was looking forward to that.

…

Reinoud was right, things would indeed be all right someday, even though getting there would take many years. What had actually happened was that Lydia, a barely seen alter who cared for Julia, had considered it necessary to intervene and comfort Reinoud. The frustration Reinoud had been feeling wasn’t his own, it was Julia’s, but at the time he was still completely unaware of Julia’s existence.

Julia craved love and affection and desperately wanted to be touched. She had stayed hidden in the background for many years at that point and simply couldn’t contain the frustration of being touch-starved anymore. Pleasant touch sensations on large areas of our skin were only available to her, but she would have to be in front to be able to feel them. She wouldn’t dare showing herself to Reinoud’s girlfriend though, who didn’t seem to be the right person for that. Julia would have to wait even longer than she already had, before she would actually be able to come out and be touched like she needed.

For Reinoud to get rid of the ongoing PTSD-related symptoms from his first hospital trauma (ADHD, sleeplessness) would take longer still.

…

Later, Reinoud went through a rough patch. He ended his employment contract, broke up with his girlfriend after she had let him down terribly, and knew that because of the breakup he wouldn’t be able to see his children nearly as much as he wanted. The additional stress of this situation induced a period of further dissociation, where he felt as if he was ‘outside himself’ and his thoughts, feelings and actions were far away from him (known as ‘depersonalization’). He went through a period of mindless promiscuity without really understanding why, other than that he was searching for a way to relieve unbearable stress. After a positive sexual experience he was finally able to relax and get hold of himself again.

Discovery

After having been single for about a year, Reinoud randomly met a young woman named Marije, fell deeply in love with her, and later married her. Julia also immediately loved Marije, which is one explanation for the unprecedented feeling of total love Reinoud experienced. When they first met, Julia came close enough to the front to actually experience a kiss, something which had never happened before.

Marije suffered from BPD (borderline personality disorder) and at least CPTSD (complex posttraumatic stress disorder), but probably even OSDD-1 (other specified dissociative disorder, type 1) or partial DID. She wasn’t aware of it, just like Reinoud wasn’t aware of his DID. Reinoud and Marije seemed to understand each other on a deep level from day one though. Their relationship was extraordinary and challenging; their traumatic past had an enormous impact on their life together.

When Marije got pregnant, Reinoud’s mother bluntly expressed her disapproval of that, to Marije personally. Also, she schemed to drive a wedge between Reinoud and the children from his previous relationship. After many warnings to stop this damaging behavior, Reinoud explicitly went no contact with his mother for a period of three months, as a final warning. When she acted completely oblivious after that period - she refused to admit any wrongdoing and acted as if nothing had happened - Reinoud and Marije resolutely went no contact with her. They did not want her near their children, and went on to build a wonderful family without her being in the picture.

Reinoud’s mother felt entitled to try to pressure Reinoud into resuming contact with her for years after that. She would even go as far as harassing Marije’s mother about it. It didn’t work. Reinoud was finally free from her harmful influence.

Clues

Reinoud’s memory had never been great, in the sense that he lacked a good sense of time and often had a hard time figuring out timelines of past events. His memories were often detailed and quite reliable but there were curious gaps. Reinoud knew and accepted these things as his normal, and was open about it. Marije would help him figuring out timelines every now and then.

When Reinoud and Marije had been together for several years, gaps in Reinoud’s memory became very noticeable. His memory was like Swiss cheese, full of holes. For example, Reinoud might be unable to tell Marije what he had been doing earlier that day day while he was working. On such an occasion he would have no idea whatsoever what had happened earlier, and be unable to account for several hours. Work had clearly been done during that time however, and this mystified them. They were unaware that Hiqje had a habit of coming to the front and take over Reinoud’s work.

Another remarkable thing around that time was that Reinoud started to doubt his sexual orientation, which had been unquestionably straight up to then. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it but something was off, as he did sense a vague but noticeable attraction to men. Together with Marije he decided to try and figure it out.

Reinoud joined various online communities to get to the bottom of it. He read up about gay experiences but was unable to identify with any of it, and knew he was not attracted to men in that way. This puzzled him, because how else could one be attracted to men? He then joined a bisexual online forum (as he was obviously also attracted to women) but again could not relate to their experiences and feelings. Upon further introspection, Reinoud considered he might be transgender, but then only partially somehow (the concept of non-binary gender was not well known back then and we were not aware of it). So he proceeded to join a Dutch trans forum.

That trans forum turned out to be an interesting experience. Reinoud felt he could relate to the people there - but indeed only partially. He was clearly also for a large part cisgender. This fact was not appreciated by some individuals on that forum, who were of the opinion that anyone not 100% cis or transgender was somehow deeply inferior, and they were quite vocal about that. Their abusive attitude was tolerated by the silent majority on the forum and Reinoud decided to leave. Only then the moderators stepped in to curb that nasty behavior but the damage was already done.

Reinoud started looking for a more open-minded community and found a promising small online forum run by a transgender student in the US. He immediately felt more at home in this more inclusive environment, even though members there also seemed to be repulsed by a specific group in a subforum. The people in that subforum were tolerated by the others but considered to be weird, if not scary. Reinoud had no idea what this group was about, didn’t understand their jargon, and couldn’t follow their strange conversation. They were apparently multiple personalities in one and all of them were talking and it often wasn’t even clear which one was talking. Very odd. They also talked about memory gaps, just like the ones Reinoud experienced. And they were generally only partly trans…

Reinoud had finally found people somewhat like himself, it seemed, yet he could hardly understand a word they said. Who were these people?

Breakthrough

Reinoud expressed his confusion on the forum, and his hope that someone there could shed light on what was going on. He assumed that he was mistaken and didn’t belong there as he didn’t understand anything about these strange personalities, and felt like an intruder.

A kind soul named Alex, who was actually four persons somehow (well, those were the main ones apparently) all with different names, including female and child personalities, took it upon him/her (confusing!) to help Reinoud. They apparently understood and started guiding Reinoud. They did it gently, asking unassuming questions, and doing careful suggestions for reading things. Reinoud learned about ‘littles’ or child alters, apparently common with people like us? And apparently parents often played a large role in how you were shaped in your childhood, in ways that weren’t obvious. But Alex knew. Reinoud started to recover emotional memories from his childhood, things he hadn’t been aware of for a long time.

Alex was carefully exposing things and it felt like peeling off layers. Alex apparently understood what was happening, and when Reinoud wondered about that, he/she (it wasn’t always clear who Reinoud was talking to) explained that they had received many years of therapy by an excellent specialized therapist. Alex expressed being happy to be able to help someone else now.

Thank you, Alex.

It was a difficult time. Reinoud tried to wrap his mind around newly uncovered memories and insights, and the possibility of having MPD (multiple personality disorder, as it was called back then). His mind kept playing tricks on him however. Reading about, or even just thinking about anything related to alternate personalities would feel dangerous, so Reinoud would tend to avoid it. Also, his memory failed him like never before. He would have a train of thought on the subject, to have any memory of it evaporate abruptly halfway through, and then be unable to return to that line of thought - as he couldn’t remember what it even was about. (Later it would become clear that such things are quite normal with MPD/DID, as it is usually a covert disorder and tries to avoid discovery of the disturbing truth). It was frustrating, but Reinoud knew it was important and kept at it.

Alters

Then, suddenly, a confused female alter came out, obviously already in love with Marije, and desperate to be loved and touched by her. Marije, a very open-minded person, accepted her and gave her the affection she needed without batting an eye. It was Julia (although we wouldn’t learn her name until later), who had been in the background for decades, since she was 11. She was disoriented, somewhat frightened, and absolutely shocked by the adult male body she was in. Marije and Julia were at the beginning of an intense and affectionate relationship.

And then a friendly, calm and rational alter (later to be named Hiqje) appeared, who also clearly loved Marije. It didn’t care about its own body or physical things such as being touched. Hiqje didn’t show itself much before disappearing, never to be seen again. Later it became clear it had silently fused into Reinoud, as Reinoud noticed he had acquired access to full reasoning capabilities, more than just ‘intuitive’ ideas appearing out of nowhere. It must have been clear to Hiqje that its existence was not required anymore. Hiqje had been a very selfless alter.

Julia disappeared into the background again after quite a few encounters with Marije. Later, Reinoud and Marije were more or less in denial and would almost forget about her, because life was hectic and what had happened seemed beyond comprehension. Reinoud would still occasionally have transgender feelings though, sense Julia’s presence, or feel encouraged by her during emotionally difficult times.

…

Starting from the time Julia and Hiqje came out and showed themselves to Marije, Reinoud was not only aware of them, but also had memories of the times when they were in front (indicating an increase of so-called co-consciousness). The memories of the others would often seem more distant than his own, and harder to recall, but the outright gaps in his memory were a thing of the past.

Note that we were not aware of the root cause of MPD/DID at the time, and completely unaware of any childhood trauma. It didn’t occur to us to seek therapy, as what had happened seemed quite odd but essentially harmless. Reinoud was still convinced he had had a normal, even privileged, childhood.

Healing

Years later, Reinoud started getting strange bouts of frustration again, so bad that he was shaking. Marije noticed and was worried, as she didn’t know what was going on. Reinoud remembered he had suffered from this before but had no idea what caused it. However, he knew he had a need to be touched that somehow could not be satisfied.

Reinoud and Marije spent an entire night pondering and brainstorming about what this could be. It was exhausting, and Reinoud was already sleep-deprived as he was usually sleeping less than four hours a night. Marije insisted they continued though. At last Reinoud remembered how he had been comforted by a female voice in his head when something like this had occurred a long time ago. It dawned upon them that the feeling of frustration might actually come from Julia, whom they had almost forgotten about.

They were right, and it wasn’t hard to persuade Julia to come to the front. She was obviously desperately in need of physical touch and affection again, and Marije gave it to her. Julia was back with us and here to stay this time.

Julia

Julia was wonderful to have around. She was loving, emotional, impulsive, empathetic, colorful, sometimes naughty, and often funny. Notably, she did not have any of the autistic/ADHD traits Reinoud had. She would usually pop up when alone with Marije, either because she wanted to or because Reinoud (still the host) would encourage her to. Marije was the main attraction in this world for Julia, and the primary reason why she would come to the front.

Julia received plenty of love and affection from Marije - and gave lots back. After a while Julia developed and expressed a new, very strong feeling though: she wanted Marije to be her mama. Marije hesitated for a bit, but gave in when it became clear this was actually an overwhelming need for Julia. Marije and Reinoud began to realize that Julia never had experienced a loving mother in her life. So Marije took that role upon her, which turned out to be incredibly healing for Julia.

Julia had girly interests like pretty dresses, shoes, and jewelry, all in beautiful colors of course. She wanted to feel pretty, a feeling our mother had thoroughly destroyed. Julia knew she wasn’t in the right body for such things and accepted this; she held on to her own body image in her mind though, which was that of a normally looking girl.

It was strange for 11-year-old Julia to be in our actual body. When walking her height was dizzying for her, and her arms felt too long, when giving a hug for example. Julia’s breathing was faster and shallower than Reinoud’s, as if she had smaller lungs. She had to take a deep breath now and then to get enough air, which was unnerving because her perception was simply not having that kind of lung capacity. Her body temperature felt different, and her senses seemed different, she didn’t like eating for example because food would feel and taste strange. Julia didn’t like the male shape of our body and especially disliked our private parts, which she ignored as much as possible.

It was interesting how much Julia’s perception of the world differed from Reinoud’s. Julia would view things, and especially people around her, quite differently. In Marije she saw an older woman and a mother, while Reinoud would see a younger woman and wife. Julia felt shy towards, and looked up to, the other children in the family who were older than she perceived herself to be. She felt much more at ease with the youngest child in the family, who was years younger than she was and wouldn’t really notice (or judge) Julia being there. Julia has not been in front much with the children around and never came out to them; she was simply too shy and preferred to let Reinoud, their dad, interact with them.

Marije was astonished by how feminine Julia was, in her emotions and in the way she viewed the world. Julia surprised Marije more than once by being able to instantly put a female point of view perfectly into words, better than Marije could do herself at that moment. These were views Reinoud could accept as valid but was unable to relate to himself. Julia appeared to be a girl in every way possible - except for her physical body, which she rejected.

Understanding

Reinoud knew he didn’t trust anything medical, and that he would tend to start a tirade about that when confronted with medical matters. He attributed this to his experience with doctors being unable to cure him and performing useless procedures like the surgeries during his childhood.

One time, when triggered in that way again, Reinoud decided to tell Marije about his surgeries. The idea was to explain that they were just minor interventions, but uncalled-for and completely ineffective - and how stupid he thought the doctors had been. It didn’t go as planned. He had never before told anyone in detail about the surgeries, and to his surprise there were tears, his fists were clenched, and he was almost unable to talk about what had happened. For the first time in all these years he realized the magnitude of what had taken place back then. He realized that he had been able to dismiss the memories as insignificant because he hadn’t been aware of any emotions attached to them. For some reason these emotions surfaced now, with Julia in the picture again.

Marije was appalled by what she heard from Reinoud. She felt angry and sad about the events but decided to be careful letting Reinoud know how she felt, because she recognized it as potentially serious trauma. She had read quite a bit about grief and trauma as she had been interested in those subjects for a long time, and studied to become a professional counselor. Marije set out to let Reinoud slowly become aware of the traumatic nature of his past and the role of his mother in it. Marije had long suspected Reinoud’s mother had not been a good mom like Reinoud assumed, and by now Marije knew she was right. She had recognized the betrayal by Reinoud’s mother in the hospital.

Marije and Reinoud thought it would be a good idea for Reinoud to try to process his trauma. It would seem best for him to be able to accept past events and overcome it all somehow. Healing was obviously important as Reinoud suffered from chronic stress and sleeplessness. So they set out to let Reinoud relive the traumatic events - together with Marije. They didn’t have a specific plan but Marije was knowledgeable on the subject because of her studies, so she had some well-informed ideas about how to deal with things.

They started with letting Reinoud go back in his mind to when he was in the hospital and had the anesthetic mask on his face. When re-experiencing this situation became very distressing for Reinoud, Marije decided to act and she interrupted it by freeing him from the (imagined) mask - and gave him a hug. That simple hug felt to Reinoud like the most important hug he had ever received in his life. Marije had understood that in the situation back then, little Reinoud needed a break from the mask, a hug, and a reassuring explanation of how it all worked… These were things his mother should have done, but failed to do.

After that hug, Reinoud felt better but he clearly wasn’t done yet; the stress and sleeplessness were still there. To understand their past better, Reinoud and Julia started digging in their memories and began to grasp why the alters Reinoud, Julia and Hiqje were formed. It all started to make sense: how each alter had to deal with particular aspects of their life as a child. They also began to realize the extent of the emotional abuse by their mother. Reading up on DID confirmed the now obvious connection with childhood trauma. Alex, the helpful MPD/DID sufferer on the transgender forum, had been hinting at that connection. Yet, Reinoud had not been aware of any childhood trauma all this time, up to now. (This is common with trauma-based dissociative disorders such as DID, which protect the parts having to deal with daily life against overwhelming traumatic memories). Reinoud decided to begin researching DID and (structural) dissociation in depth.

Hospital trauma

Reinoud and Marije decided that Reinoud was going to attempt to better process his hospital trauma, so he would hopefully be able to heal and sleep better. The plan was for Reinoud to relive the traumatic events and for Marije to try to insert herself into the experience as needed. Their intention was to change Reinoud’s perception of the experience so as to make the memory less traumatic. There were several ways to go about it and Marije was going to choose as she saw fit while it happened.

Reinoud went back in his mind to the situation with the anesthetic mask on his face, because he clearly wasn’t done processing what had taken place then. This time Reinoud relived the memory up to the point where he was running out of breath, and the experience became unbearable. He was unable to imagine getting the mask off himself or changing anything about what he experienced, because the course of events was fixed in his memory. He asked Marije to try to remove the mask, and Marije swiped the (imaginary) mask away, but it didn’t help. Reinoud begged several times to do it again and Marije did it but Reinoud was still unable to inhale properly and get the air he needed. He was unable to break out of the remembered experience. Out of desperation he then begged Marije to give him air mouth-to-mouth. He needed air, but he was unable to breathe in, just like in his memory.

Marije complied, awkwardly put her mouth on Reinoud’s and breathed air into his lungs. It was an incredible experience for Reinoud. He finally got the air he needed in that desperate moment, something he had been unable to get all this time. Reinoud asked for more several times. It was a tremendous relief to get air.

They thought they were done, but a little while later Reinoud still felt an unfulfilled need for air. It seemed like a weird thing to do but Reinoud asked for even more mouth-to-mouth. This time it felt as if life itself was breathed into him and his entire body started tingling… He was alive!

At that point they had indeed achieved their goal. Reinoud had been stuck on this trauma since his childhood, but had now been able to get past it. He had finally been able to complete the necessary but in his mind unfinished action from all those years ago: breathe in and stay alive/conscious. The effects of this were considerable. Reinoud not only felt more relaxed after this, but his lifelong ADHD symptoms were also instantly gone. He realized only now how he had always felt as if he was holding his breath while his mind was racing to solve ‘problems’ which were in fact not essential for his survival. Now that this compulsive restlessness was gone his mind could finally be quiet when he wanted.

The trauma around the second surgery seemed less serious, but it turned out not to be. When Reinoud started to relive it, he felt extremely exposed and vulnerable with the masked people around his hospital bed. Marije was unable to comfort him at first. Only when Marije hugged him tightly, Reinoud was able to feel protected and safe enough to proceed with reliving the experience.

However, Reinoud then got stuck on the moment when they were about to put the needle in his arm, to put him under. He just didn’t want it to happen but could not change the course of events. Only when Marije assured him she would not leave him, even during the time he would be unconscious, was he able to consent to being put under. It was still a harrowing experience but at least he wasn’t facing it all alone anymore, and he needed that.

Afterwards, Reinoud’s distrust was not as easily triggered anymore, and he was able to sleep somewhat better.

More trauma

Marije and Reinoud thought that the situation that had made Julia decide a long time ago to move to the background for many years was important trauma for her. Julia tried reliving that situation in the circle of classmates, but the memory was a bit blurry and actually not at all traumatic for her. She was happy to have found a place for herself in the background at the time.

An entirely different issue that Reinoud was growing aware of was that Marije could have been seriously traumatized during a previous relationship. He had long suspected that this relationship (with a disturbing age gap) had been unhealthy, but Marije had always been adamant that it had been fine. However, reading about the subject made Reinoud aware that (especially young) women can develop CPTSD in a situation like that, and may remain in denial about the nature of what had happened to them. Marije clearly suffered every day from symptoms typically associated with CPTSD, such as anxiety, never-ending feelings of guilt, and very low self-esteem. This was in addition to symptoms we had already associated with BPD, such as impulsivity, easily triggered episodes of fear and anger, and apparent attempts to sabotage our (otherwise great) relationship.

Reinoud set out to carefully uncover what had really happened during that suspicious early relationship. When casually being asked for more intimate details of what happened, Marije would become expressionless and answer in a monotone voice. She would insist that what had happened was fine, and she was apparently unaware of how shocking her accounts actually were. Slowly, Reinoud started making her aware of how abusive and traumatic the relationship had actually been. In the end, Marije agreed that she had without any doubt been horribly abused, emotionally and physically. She had been groomed, manipulated, and violently raped for several years by an alcoholic ex-guerrilla, who was much older and stronger than she was. It had taken her many attempts before she was able to escape from him. The ordeal had destroyed her confidence, her self worth, and even her sense of self in some ways. She had suffered from dissociative episodes ever since, and had become socially withdrawn by the time she met Reinoud.

It took Marije a lot of hard work to even begin to overcome her trauma. It took Reinoud a lot of talking to convince her that she bore no guilt. She had been very young (actually underage) when it started, extremely vulnerable, inexperienced, and just didn’t know any better when it happened. She had been powerless, completely under the influence of a very dangerous man, without a support system to keep her or get her out of that situation. Still, the only way Marije was able to grasp that what had occurred wasn’t her own fault, was when Reinoud would ask her opinion on something like that occurring to someone else. Then she would immediately see the other one was obviously not at fault. To be able to apply that insight to herself took work though.

Dealing with her trauma took a lot of effort by both Marije and Reinoud, and a lot of time. Marije had considerable and easily triggered fears, caused by the harmful relationship but also by earlier traumatic experiences, including sexual assaults by her father, neglect, and inappropriate punishments at a young age. She had developed strongly dissociated parts containing her ego (will) and ratio, protecting her but making it very difficult for her to function successfully, especially in a relationship. Working on all these things paid off in the end, when she was at last relieved from the continuous and debilitating stress it all had caused.

Julia’s healing

Reinoud and Julia learned to communicate in their inner world or ‘headspace’ after Reinoud tried talking to her in his mind for a little while. At some point Julia answered and they were finally able to communicate directly, not just through shared memories (after switching) or via the outside world (by talking to Marije or writing notes to each other).

At first the inner world consisted of only their voices, but after some time they were also able to see each other there. Julia really enjoyed that because she liked to present herself as a pretty girl wearing nice summer dresses or funny clothes. She would often joke, laugh, hold hands or cuddle with Reinoud when they met in headspace. By that time she considered Reinoud her papa and was very trusting and open to him, even though she was very shy towards the outside world. It was easy for her to trust Reinoud because she had access to his memories, so she knew about everything including his private thoughts and could be certain that he loved her and meant well. Sometimes she would be naughty and share some rather private information she had on Reinoud with Marije, but it was all in good fun. Reinoud of course also knew about Julia’s private thoughts and would discuss some of her personal struggles with Marije. This was really helpful for understanding and dealing with Julia’s personal problems, insecurities, and trauma.

Julia was an incredibly loving girl, but she absolutely hated our mother. She carried all the negative emotions around the emotional abuse in our childhood, emotions which Reinoud lacked. Julia often cried when she was in front, and Marije would console her and seek to understand the underlying reason, which more often than not turned out to be related to the abuse. Reinoud and Marije worked together to let Julia heal, one step at a time, from the effects of the abuse. The needs, feelings and emotions of Julia had essentially been ignored or even rejected by our mother during our childhood. Marije and Reinoud made sure Julia’s emotional needs were now met as much as possible.

One day, when Julia was digging up unrelated memories, she suddenly got flashbacks of when we had the anesthetic mask on our face in the hospital. Her mind inevitably focused on the betrayal by our mother, and she got stuck in a loop, the memory repeating itself again and again. She was unable to get past the moment where our mother was talking indifferently to the nurse who forced the mask on our face, ignoring our severe distress. Marije tried to get her out of it, away from the traumatic memory, but Julia was unable to let go. She was stuck.

Marije saw no other option than to accompany Julia in her experience. She talked to Julia and tried to insert herself into Julia’s flashback. Marije decided to take over the role of our mother and do what she should have done back then: let her take off that mask. By telling Julia she was taking off the mask right away she finally got Julia out of the ordeal. Julia was still frightened and reliving the past though, and desperately wanted to leave the situation in the hospital. Marije took her by the hand and told her that she was taking her outside. Once Julia imagined herself outside the hospital, safe, standing in the sunshine on a patch of grass, hand in hand with her mama Marije, she finally felt free and at peace. They had slayed the dragon, the trauma she hadn’t been able to get past during all those years.

Fusion

Both Reinoud and Julia had successfully dealt with the main trauma they had been stuck on for many years. They were getting ready for fusion (joining alters together into a single identity/personality), but they weren’t aware of that. Reinoud actually rejected the idea of fusion, because he considered the two personalities too disparate. Their personalities but especially their gender (including body image and perception) seemed impossible to reconcile. Reinoud also considered it inhumane to deny Julia a chance on a fulfilling life of her own, as Julia obviously cherished life. Julia herself absolutely feared fusion and wouldn’t even consider it. Fusion had always seemed unattainable to them; they had grown apart for over half a century so staying apart seemed natural.

Lydia

The night after Julia had been liberated of the last trauma she had been stuck on, she lay awake for a long time, just existing. Julia had never done that before. Then, out of nowhere, she felt a sudden intense tension, like when you impulsively do something you don’t really have the guts to do. And then she was gone. A woman in her twenties was lying there. Very obviously someone else.

Julia was gone, something that wasn’t supposed to happen. She had fused into another alter, one we had never met before, although Reinoud had sensed a new presence in the days before. It was a female alter apparently in her mid-twenties, named Lydia. She was friendly, thoughtful, rational, and remarkably well-spoken. Marije spent a few hours talking to Lydia and getting to know her. She was not unlike Hiqje in a way; we think she had been a caretaker for Julia. Before they fused, Lydia and Julia may have grown close to each other in the background without anyone else being aware of it.

Marije and Reinoud intensely grieved the loss of Julia. Making it even harder to come to terms with it, Julia had been full of ideas and plans about what she wanted to do, just before she fused and apparently disappeared. They understood Julia had to be inside Lydia now somehow but didn’t recognize Julia in her at all; Lydia seemed to be an entirely different person. The next time Lydia was in front she agreed with Marije to try contacting Julia’s side in headspace. This actually succeeded, and Lydia and Julia then attempted to consciously blend themselves further than had happened during the initial fusion phase. To everyone’s delight, that brought Julia’s personality back, now more mature and rational like Lydia had been, but still very much the colorful personality they knew and loved. She decided to name herself Julya and was perceived as being like Julia at an age of about 20 years. Lydia was never seen again after that (as a separate alter), and Marije admitted to missing Lydia a little because she had grown fond of her presence in the time they had talked.

Final fusion

After the fusion of Julia and Lydia into Julya, Julya and Reinoud started growing together. They became more co-conscious, to the point of being in front at the same time when they wanted to (which was admittedly a somewhat confusing experience). They became best friends, loved being together, and tended to agree on things all the time. They grew so close that Julya’s fear of fusion was waning, and so was Reinoud’s aversion against it.

At some point when they were together in headspace, lying down comfortably, Reinoud and Julya started to ponder fusion but quickly recoiled from the idea, because they sensed that even considering it was dangerous. It was already too late. They felt they were fusing. They had made a mistake though, as they weren’t actually ready for it. They had been separate for half a century and had different gender, perceived age, views, preferences, relationships, emotions, feelings, memories, you name it. Their way of thinking was substantially different. Many of these things posed problems for fusing but the most fundamental and problematic difference was their body image/perception. Julia (the dominant side of Julya) had always perceived herself to be a cisgender girl and firmly rejected the male body. The two body images were impossible to reconcile.

Because of these unresolved differences the fusion turned out to be unstable. It was to be expected in a way, as the fusion had occurred unintentionally and wholly unprepared for. A period followed of repeatedly splitting apart, trying to settle differences, and fusing again. It was hard. For example, the conflicting body images have led to agender, bigender, pangender and transgender experiences for fusions, not to mention gender fluidity. In the end, the Julia side had to accept the male body (thereby accepting being trans and not a cisgender girl) to be able to fuse firmly, which was what she wanted. Previous failed fusions had taught her that there simply was no other realistic option.

…

It is worth mentioning that one of the failed attempts at fusion resulted in a very troubled person. This particular attempt had been initiated by Julia and her side turned out to be dominant after the fusion. Before this, Julia had only been in front when she wanted to - usually for some love, fun, or just to ponder a bit. Now, however, for the first time in her life Julia was unable to go and hide safely behind Reinoud when she wanted to, and she felt utterly alone and exposed. Even worse, just as always she was practically unable to control her emotions, which presented a real problem now. Marije was worried and expressed her concern about this fusion with Julia dominant, which made Julia feel rejected. She reacted forcefully and immediately tried to end the relationship with Marije, as that seemed less painful to her than the possibility of any further rejection. Marije had suspected borderline tendencies like this in Julia before and saw the danger of the situation. It was very difficult to still get through to Julia and convince her to split again, but Marije succeeded. Fortunately, the next attempt at fusion (with Reinoud dominant again) turned out much better.

This one and later borderline episodes were clearly attempts to mentally protect against the ‘danger’ of love: the possibility of rejection or abandonment. This apparently works by triggering (emotional parts with) fear, black-and-white thinking, and a strong fight/flight/freeze response. When attachment and love have been traumatic at a young age, this (sadly) appears to be a natural response, even to seemingly minor triggers. For Julia, even the slightest suspicion that her mama Marije might not totally love her was enough to make her spiral into deep fear. What makes such an experience terribly confusing is the conflict between the desire for love and the fear for it - desperately wanting the love yet having to destroy it at the same time, for fear of being rejected or abandoned otherwise. Feeling that way is absolutely devastating, and easily triggers (further) dissociation to get away from the practically unbearable stress and pain. The destructive nature of these episodes almost inevitably led to further traumatization of us both, and strong feelings of guilt. In the end, we were able to conquer it all through understanding of what was actually happening, combined with unwavering love and patience from Marije.

…

Performing a fusion turned out to be way more complex than just the decision to fuse. The initial effect was like the removal of barriers between the personalities, resulting in a single perceived identity. There was no more switching between them, nor a perception of co-consciousness. Emotions, perceptions, preferences etc. were shared in various ways. But the alter personalities were still recognizable after a fusion, as different ‘sides’ of a single identity, with their own feelings and way of thinking. The alters weren’t really blended yet.

Blending the alters proved to take conscious effort to do and get right, not unlike fusions. It was an interesting (if exhausting) experience. The whole experience can be described metaphorically like blending different colors of paint. Imagine a tin of paint with two colors of paint in it, with a divider between them. Fusion initially just removes the divider, but the two colors (like alters) won’t blend much without further action (or significant time). Conscious, willful blending (in headspace) resulted in more blended personalities, much like paint colors would mix after some stirring, with streaks of different colors rather than one uniform color. That is how the blended personalities felt: a mix of pieces of the original alters. Intriguingly, that is also similar to how the physical body (especially skin) felt: like a patchwork of parts belonging to different (combinations of) alters.

The whole process of repeatedly fusing, further blending, and splitting again wasn’t just like a roller coaster but more like a series of different roller coasters - and then flying out of them when they failed. Dealing with all the memories, emotions, and seemingly insurmountable differences between the alters was far from easy. This was to be expected, as it was after decades of being split and then fusing without preparation, but it was pretty bad. Final fusion (complete integration of all alters) after such a long time of being apart is certainly not for everyone. However, for us it was inevitable and it happened spontaneously because we had grown so close in the end.

Joel

After multiple attempts at fusion and conscious further blends, the two sides (Reinoud and Julia) were still recognizably somewhat present but finally ready to explicitly accept their new (single, shared) identity. They settled on a new name for the whole: Joel. When Joel told Marije about this decision, a day of severe dissociation (in the form of depersonalization) followed. This was clearly because assuming the new name implied acceptance of the whole self, which had not been allowed to exist since childhood, so it was a huge and difficult step to take.

Joel grieved over the loss of the separate alters and their hopes and dreams, and felt a lot of guilt. He had a terrible nightmare about alter Reinoud, who in the dream didn’t know if he was alive or dead, while his mother completely ignored his distress - as usual. Still, it had been the wish of the alters to fuse and disappear as separate entities, so Joel carried on. Interestingly, the acceptance of himself and his body meant that Joel could look in the mirror and see himself at last, not some stranger somehow, as had always been the case before.

Being whole again for the first time since his childhood, and with access to all memories and emotions, Joel realized how strongly he had been made to feel rejected and ‘not good enough’ as a child. He realized how he had thought that he himself had to be the problem, and not his mother, because it is simply impossible to recognize your mother as the problem if you are that young. So the only possibility you can see at that age is that you must be the problem yourself.

But now I know… I, Joel, wasn’t the problem.

Epilogue

Many details are obviously missing from this overview of my DID experience. Some details have been left out to keep it reasonably concise, others because they are considered private. It has all been puzzled together meticulously from slowly recovered and spotty (but often very detailed) memories, and from notes made together with Marije during turbulent periods. Every attempt has been made to make this account painstakingly accurate. Writing it has admittedly been emotionally exhausting…

Number five

Back in the beginning I mentioned having had five alters, but so far you have met only four of them (not including fusion outcomes like Julya and Joel):

• Reinoud: the host
• Hiqje: intellectual helping Reinoud
• Julia: young and emotional
• Lydia: caring for Julia

So who was alter number five? The fifth was an odd one, which surfaced only after the first attempt at final fusion. It was an animal alter, nonverbal, not self-aware and unaware of the human body it was in, seemingly acting instinctively, with strong feelings but without active thought, and mostly just intensely affectionate with Marije. Even though this alter had no awareness of itself, we determined it to be a cat, apparently modeled after our pet cat Mimi. Interestingly, in the beginning there was a fair amount of amnesia between this animal alter and the others, but the amnesia became milder when it came out more often. We simply named this alter ‘Beast’ because of the way it was. It was clear that Beast was closely related to Julia. However, as shy as Julia may have been, Beast was rather boldly affectionate; Beast showed affection in the way Mimi had shown to Julia as a child.

Several months later, having a picture taken and then being confronted with my own portrait triggered a minor dissociative episode, identity crisis, and further integration. The unresolved problem was that Julia’s side still had to accept the male face (as she had only accepted the body so far) which was apparently difficult but succeeded. Curiously, Julia was then dominant for a short while to settle a few matters of particular importance to her with Marije, before she dissolved. After this, the previously still somewhat distinct internal voices, thoughts, feelings, memories, and preferences all finally truly felt as my own.

This integration step also led to noticeably further integration of Beast, as it changed from an occasional fleeting presence into a more stable one. With the further integration of Beast came emotional memories though - memories I wasn’t prepared for. I was hit with an almost unbearable grief about the loss of Mimi, so bad it made me feel sick. Even though I was unaware of it I had never been able to grieve the loss of Mimi as a child, and of course hadn’t received the necessary emotional support from my mother back then. Like with other traumatic memories, Reinoud had been aware of just the facts of the event, but the emotions going with it had been somewhere else, in this case inside Beast. Apparently I (well, most likely Julia) had split off Beast as a way to cope with the loss of Mimi and keep her around somehow, and postponed the grief and acceptance of her death that way until now, literally decades later. It was as if Mimi’s death had been frozen in time, and I only now realized that she was actually gone.

Final notes

After final fusion I obviously still had a lot of processing to do; it was a long journey to completely integrate in various ways. This was especially true for dealing with memories and emotions but also the different needs, wants and ways of thinking of the alters. There have been many ups and downs while relearning how to be myself. There has been a sense of loss regarding the alters, but also a lot has been gained, as we/I can experience life to the fullest now. I finally have the perspective of all alters on my life. Fusion and further integration also have significantly reduced stress, and I can sleep better now.

Even though their origin is rather unfortunate and life with them wasn’t always easy, it has been a privilege knowing these alters with their (wildly different) experiences and perspectives. Switching between alters was ‘non-possessive’ for me, meaning I (the consciousness) ‘became’ and experienced the alter in front - at least as far as I know, after the amnesia between alters lifted. Alters were also able to be active in the background to a certain extent, but didn’t seem to form much of their own memories there. I am lucky to have had a very cooperative little band of alters; despite their differences there were no real conflicts about fronting, actions when fronting, or life goals. They understood, accepted, appreciated, and supported each other amazingly well.

My mother, clearly responsible for my DID, may well have been a narcissist. She cared only for her own emotional needs, and was oblivious to the emotional needs of her child. I do know she was traumatized herself as a young adolescent, as she barely survived the World War II Japanese-run concentration camps in Indonesia (then Dutch East Indies), where she was starved to the brink of death. She practically never spoke about what happened there. However, by her own account her childhood before that had been very happy.

To wrap things up… Recently, looking up a book which was a favorite of mine when growing up, I was dumbfounded. I had forgotten about these details, but it was a story about a young boy who was ridiculed by his classmates and wasn’t loved by his abusive parents (remarkably like Reinoud). He ran away from home and sought refuge elsewhere, disguised as a girl (remarkably like Julia) - to find out that he was actually quite different from other children. It cannot be a coincidence that this book seemed magical to me.

…

© 2024 Joel Onstenk-Lamberts

v1.0 - initial (limited) distribution

v1.1 - edited and extended epilogue, minor edits overall; initial online distribution

v1.2 - added borderline experience to ‘Final fusion’, updated content warnings

v1.3 - added paragraph about interaction with friends to ‘University’, a few minor additions elsewhere